


Splintered

by I_Write_Tragedies_Not_Sins



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-30 16:54:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8541160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Write_Tragedies_Not_Sins/pseuds/I_Write_Tragedies_Not_Sins
Summary: Jin Shepard. Commander, hero, savior. The reports speak of a great figure who saved them all from the threat the council ignored: the Reapers.But is the truth something else entirely? When the lines of reality begin to blur, Jin will have to fight against the voices in his own mind to determine what's real, and what's not.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Azzy_Darling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/gifts).



> Notes: 
> 
> Jin Shepard is adopted and originally hails from South Korea. 
> 
> I only use three Korean words: Aduel- son, Eomma- Mom, Appa- dad
> 
> As for the "ssi" at the end of Kaidan's name- -ssi (Hangul: 씨, Hanja: 氏) is the most commonly used honorific used amongst people of approximately equal speech level. It is attached at the end of the full name, such as Kim Cheolsu-ssi (김철수씨) or simply after the first name, Cheolsu-ssi (철수씨) if the speaker is more familiar with someone.

_Wake up._

The subtle sounds of blood dripping on the glass floor echo in his mind. It whispers remembrances of pain, a hollow self portrait painted in red-black stains on the ground.

_Attention. Code Manpower._

Shepard's foot scrapes along as he drags it behind him, twisted and broken but somehow still moving. He's so close. Just a few steps more. He can hear the sounds of fighting behind him. Bright light floods his vision. _Don't leave me behind._ Kaidan's voice is the last thing he hears as he loses consciousness, body floating above himself.

Minutes pass before Shepard opens his eyes again, blinking against the glaring lights. The heavy weight of Anderson falls against his shoulder, the stink of blood filling his nose. Dead.

Nonononono. Can't be. He's sleeping. He's just sleeping. Shepard gently places Anderson's head on the steps, fingers brushing brief against his throat to feel for a pulse. His hand jerks back at the stillness, his own heart fluttering out of control. No. He _has_ to be sleeping.

_Wake up. Please, wake up._

He stumbles forward, struggling not to see, not to feel. His eyes flutter closed as his comm crackles in his ear. "Shepard? Are you there? Can you hear me?"

Blackness swirls before his eyes. His fingers fumble to press against the cool bit of technology, lips quivering up into a small grin when he speaks. "All clear. Illusive... Man is dead," he whispers, vision fluttering in and out.

_B negative.... Eight units... Haloperidol... Code..._

He can feel himself slipping into the unconscious void once again and welcomes it. Safe. They're safe.

"Wake up," a voice demands, and Shepard slowly opens his eyes. The ghostly image of a boy stands before him, his eyes wide and full of regret.

Pain shoots from Shepard's shoulder and down his arm as blood drips from his forehead. He wobbles on his feet as he stands, vision blurring in and out of focus as he stares at the child. "Where am I?" Shepard asks, brows furrowed as he clutches at the open wound on his arm.

"The Citadel. It's my home," it replies, voice bland and eerie.

Whispering voices echo in his mind. He grips his head, struggling to push the voices down. The galaxy needs him. He can't afford to fail now. He's so close. So close. Kaidan... He has to succeed, for Kaidan. "I need... I need to stop the Reapers," he whispers, a sharp pain suddenly shooting up his neck. He struggles to stay awake, the boy fading from view as he blinks.

_Wake up. Shepard, wake up._

The boy tilts his head before nodding. "I created the Reapers. They were my solution." He walks away and Shepard stumbles after him, dragging his foot behind him.

Everything hurts. Every muscle, every limb. He brings Kaidan's face to the forefront of his memory, focusing on his eyes, brimming with tears in those last moments before they parted. He has to keep moving. He can't give up. So many lives depend on him. Kaidan's life...

"The created will always rebel against their creators. From peace, will always come war. Pain. Death."

The line separating reality from everything else blurs in Shepard's mind, twisting his memories into barely recognizable images, his chest aching with regret and loss. He falls to his knees, pain crashing through his body. He has to stop this. For Kaidan. Kaidan. His lover's face swims in his mind, a fog covered image Shepard can't grasp.

_I'll save you._

_Don't leave me behind._

 

  
~*~*~

  
The smoky smell of bacon wakes him, followed closely by the aroma of coffee brewing. Jin Shepard leans up in bed, a tangle of blue silk sheets twisting around his lean hips. He rubs at his eyes as a small smile twists his lips in a soft, upward curl. His red boxers slip on over his smooth skin easily. Jin blinks against the bright sunlight, pulling the curtain closed as he stumbles toward his bathroom.

The taste of mint burns against his tongue as he brushes his teeth, a soft sigh escaping his lips.

"Jin, you awake yet?" Kaidan calls from the kitchen.

He grumbles around the toothbrush stuck in his mouth before spitting out the minty paste. "I am awake, my husband," he calls back, shaking his head.

Jin quickly swishes some water around his mouth, rinsing away the last of the Crest, and grabs his robe from the door hook. Its plush woolen texture slides against his skin as he slips it on, a warm barrier against the cold air conditioning floating through their small apartment. He pads along the hallway, the carpet squishy beneath his feet. He wraps his arms around Kaidan's waist from behind, resting his forehead against his husband's back. "Kaidan-ssi," he murmurs.

Kaidan chuckles as he flips the bacon, one hand resting softly against Jin's arm. "Good morning, Jin. Sleep well?"

He presses a kiss in between Kaidan's shoulder muscles before pulling away, shuffling toward their small dining room table. "Mmmhhmm. Now that you're home, I think I'll be sleeping just fine."

Kaidan's expression darkens momentarily. He grabs the orange juice from the fridge, forcing a smile to spread across his face. But Jin can tell it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Hey. My husband. Come here," Jin says, reaching a hand toward him.

"I'll burn the bacon," Kaidan replies, setting the juice on the table and turning away.

His shoulders are slumped, but barely. If anyone else looked at Kaidan right now, they'd see a man making breakfast for his husband. They'd miss the small twitch by his right eye, and the hard line of tense muscle on his neck. They wouldn't see the slight quickening of his pulse at it fluttered against his throat.

But Jin notices.

"Hey," Jin says again. His arm shoots out, fingers curling around Kaidan's wrist. "Talk to me, Kaidan-ssi."

The ring on Kaidan's finger catches the light as he stands there, still and unmoving except for his rapidly pounding pulse. His lips move, but his voice seems far away. "It's nothing. It's just, once you've fought the aliens- Once you've been out there, in space, fighting... It's not like being on Earth." He releases a heavy sigh, shoulders sagging. "I just don't think I'll be getting any easy sleep anytime soon."

"Kaidan-ssi," Jin whispers, tugging on his husband's wrist. Kaidan's skin is warm to the touch and rough against his fingertips. "I'm sorry.'

Kaidan pulls away, a hint of a smile shadowing his face. "Yeah, don't worry about it," he replies. "I'll be fine. **The Reapers are coming.** "

Jin's head feels heavy, a searing pain across his eyelids. "Ah, my husband, sorry, what was that?"

"I asked if you wanted the eggs sunny side up or over easy?"

Jin shakes his head, brow furrowed. "No, you didn't. You said something about Reapers?"

Brown eyes meet his as Kaidan shoots him a worried glance. "What's a Reaper?"

Jin stands up, eyes roaming around the room in a frantic back and forth motion. "That's what I'm asking you," he replies, not sure why his pulse suddenly feels like a trapped bird inside his skin.

Kaidan nods slowly, wiping his hands on his dark blue apron. "Right. Okay, calm down then, Jin," he says, backing away slowly.

Jin's eyes widen as Kaidan reaches for a small, tan coloured vial with a white prescription label wrapped around it. "Wh- What is that, Kaidan-ssi?"

"Just something that helps with your headaches, remember?" Kaidan twists the lid off and pours two small, white pills into his hand. "It's alright, love."

Jin shakes his head back and forth in a sharp snapping motion. Whispers buzz through his mind. Images of gaping mouths with saliva dripping from jagged teeth. Strange alien creatures, giant floating machines glowing in space. They're coming. They'recomingThey'recomingThey'recomingThey'recom-

A sharp prick pierces his arm. Kaidan cups his face, brows furrowed deep in concern. "I'll call for Doctor Chakwas," he says as Jin's vision flickers. "Has the perphenazine stopped working?"

Kaidan's face blurs, fading from view as blackness overwhelms him. His last thought before he sleeps is of his husband, and the unshed tears he had seen in his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard clenches his fists, a sharp pain throbbing in his head. Images blur in his mind. He can hear voices screaming, and he cries out with them.

_"Eomma? Eomma!" Jin cries, rubbing his fists into his eyes. He wants his mother. It's cold and dark and loud noises echo all around him and he wants his mother._

_A hand covers his mouth, large and square and covered in calluses. "Shhhh, adul. Your appa is here," a voice whispers in his ear._

_The breath smells of alcohol and Jin recognizes his father by the stench._

_People scream outside his door as silent tears roll down Jin's dirty cheeks. He holds his breath as someone bangs on the door, pounding as loud as his heart, thundering in his ears._

_"Help, please, anyone," a woman voice screams._

_Jin can hear her fingernails scraping across their wooden apartment door, as if she's frantically clawing to get in. "They're coming closer, oh god! Please, let me in," she screams, voice breaking._

_His father's hand tightens around Jin's mouth, and he struggles to breath. He pulls at his father's finger, tugging and clawing and kicking against the floor with his feet._

_The woman shrieks, the shrill sound piercing the air. A whooshing sound echos, a bright light glowing brighter, and then the screaming stops with such an abruptness, it leaves Jin frozen._

_His father loosens his grip, slipping his arm around Jin's chest and pulling him closer. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he whispers over and over. "I'm sorry."_

_Jin sniffs, rubbing his nose on his sleeve. "Eomma? Where's eomma?"_

_There's no answer, only the sound of his father's crying fills his ears._

Shepard opens his eyes, blinking past the pain shooting through his entire body. "Where am I?" he asks, forcing himself to sit up.

"You're in medbay, Commander," Chakwas answers, her tone brisk and formal. "We nearly lost you," she adds, a hint of concern slipping in.

"I... dreamt of death. Destruction. A warning," he mutters, rubbing his temples. "The last thing I remember is... the Prothean beacon?"  _The smell of burning bodies in the air. Kaidan trapped in a strange beam, body contorting as he struggles against. He has to protect Kaidan. He must._

Chakwas nods, tucking an errant strand of grey hair behind her ear. "Yes. Lieutenant Alenko carried you back. He'll be glad to know you're alright," she replies.

Lieutenant Alenko. An image of the biotic glowing blue flashes across his mind, brow furrowed in concern. "Oh, right. Where is he?"

"The Lieutenant? Should be in the mess hall about this time. If you're up for it, you should talk to him." She turns back toward him, the barest hint of a smile on her face. "And here. Painkillers, for that headache you were complaining about."

Shepard looks down at the bottle she's handing him, a see-through tan colour with a white lid. A simple prescription label wraps around, black letters printed perfectly. Perphenazine.

A sudden sharp pain shoots through his head. He cries out, gripping his hair in his hands. He looks at Doctor Chakwas and a scream rips itself from his throat. Her body flickers in and out of view, sometimes dressed in an all-white doctor's gown, sometimes in her grey and white uniform. Her hair changes too, going from up in a messy bun to chin length and military.

He backs away from her, falling off the bed and landing with a painful thud on the ground. "No, no no no," he screams, closing his eyes. People running and screaming echo in his mind. Burning, so many burning bodies.

"Commander? Are you alright?"

Shepard opens his eyes, the medbay bed hard beneath his butt. "Doctor Chakwas?"

She nods, a frown curving her thin lips down. "You left me for a second there, Commander. I called your name three times before you answered."

He nods, wincing as his head still pounds. He looks down at the bottle in his hand. "I think I just have a headache," he mumbles.

She turns, grabbing a small, thin needle. "I think you need to rest, Commander. That Prothean beacon may have done more damage than we thought."

Shepard eyes the needle warily, slowly shaking his head. "No, I'll feel better once I walk around the ship a bit."

Chakwas scoffs, shaking her head but putting the syringe back down. "You and your silly fear of needles. Ah well. You'll come to me if it worsens?"  
  
Shepard sighs but nods his head in agreement. "Yes, yes, of course," he mutters, waving her off as he hedges for the door.

He heads straight for the mess hall, head throbbing. Before entering, he pops one of the pills Chakwas gave him, hoping the pain ends soon. He spots Kaidan hanging off the side, alone, eyes filled with guilt.

"Lieutenant," Shepard says, keeping his tone cordial.

"Commander, you're up already," Kaidan says, eyes widening in surprise. "I mean, I'm glad to see you're doing alright, sir."

Shepard grins, crossing his arms over his chest. "It'll take more than a Prothean relic to take out Commander Shepard," he jokes, feeling rewarded when Kaidan smiles back.

"Of course, Commander. I'm just glad you made it," Kaidan replies, throwing a salute.

Shepard leans against a tall, metal column. "At ease, Lieutenant Alenko. I came to chat, not stand on formalities," he says, tone light.

Kaidan relaxes his posture, resting against the wall. "Aye, Commander."

A moment of easy silence passes between them before Kaidan speaks again. "I'm sorry, Commander. It... It was my fault you were hurt. If I hadn't been caught by the beacon... ." His voice trails off and Shepard can hear the regret in his voice.

"You had no way of knowing what would happen with the beacon, Lieutenant," Shepard replies. "Don't blame yourself. I hear I owe you my life."

Shepard watches as Kaidan's mouth curls into a relieved smile. His lips move, words forming but Shepard can't hear them. A white noise echos in his brain as images of him and Kaidan kissing flash in his mind.

"Kaidan-ssi?" He mumbles the words, voice lilting up in a question. "Kaidan-ssi."

Kaidan's brow furrows. "I'm sorry, Commander? Are you alright?"

_"Jin? Can you hear me? Are you alright?"_

His vision darkens around the edges until the only thing he can see is a blurred image of Kaidan's face. "Are you alright? Can you hear me?" The questions repeat themselves in his mind, over and over and over.

Shepard closes his eyes, quickly shaking his head back and forth. A dull ache sits behind his eyes, pulsing.

"He should be coming to, be ready," a voice says, calm and brisk.

Jin blinks against the bright lights and Kaidan's worried face is the first thing he sees. "Kaidan-ssi?"

Kaidan lets out a woosh of air, leaning down and gripping Jin's hand in his. "Thank God," he whispers.

"Wh-What happened?" Jin tries to sit up but thick cloth straps hold him to a bed. "Kaidan-ssi?"

Kaidan lifts his head, gently brushing a strand of Jin's hair from his forehead. "You left us for awhile," he replies, lower lip trembling even as he smiles. "But you're home now."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Art I did of Jin can be found: http://anime-n-manga87.deviantart.com/art/Jin-Shepard-645970754?ga_submit_new=10%253A1479207554

The apple juice is cold and sweet as it slides down Jin's throat. Kaidan holds the small, plastic bottle, his other hand supporting Jin's head.

A nurse had come in and undone the straps holding him to the bed. It felt good to be able to move around a little, even if his body felt weak. A bandage is tight against his throat, the rough cloth itchy against the jagged edges of a wound. He's still not sure how he got it, or what had happened. Jin leans back against the pillows, a soft ache stuck in his chest. "What happened, my husband?" he asks, taking Kaidan's hand in his.

Kaidan winces at the question, fingers tightening in his grasp. "Your headaches had been getting worse. You hid it from me, I think, for awhile before I saw you crying in the shower from the pain." Kaidan looks off in the distance, a worn, tired look on his face. "Then you started sleeping more. When you were awake, you weren't really there. I'd catch you talking to yourself, sometimes. Mumbling under your breath."

Kaidan turns his head to look down into his eyes, an angry frown turning his lips down. "You swore you were okay though. You promised me you were still taking your meds. You lied to me," he accuses, tone harsh as his eyes fill with tears. "Why did you lie?"

Jin looks away, staring out the barred window. "I don't remember," he mumbles, and the lie tastes bitter in his mouth.

Kaidan jerks his hand away, tears finally spilling down his cheeks. Shadows line his eyes and his facial hair has grown in thicker than he normally allows. "Damn it, Jin!" He gets to his feet, running his fingers through his thick brown hair. "Tell me the truth."

Jin flinches at his husband's tone. He moves his hand up, fingers brushing against the bandage. "I don't feel right when I'm on it," he admits. "I feel numb. Like I've died before I'm dead. I can't live like that."

"Then we can have the doctor adjust the dose, or try something else. You can't just go off your meds without telling me," Kaidan replies, tone pleading. He holds up his hand, pointing at the silver band on his finger. "I'm your husband, Jin. You can trust me."

A few tears slip from Jin's eyes. "I'm sorry I scared you, Kaidan-ssi," he whispers, reaching up and placing his hand on Kaidan's.

Kaidan spreads his fingers, interlocking them with Jin's. Kaidan lays a soft kiss against Jin's hand. "I have to go talk to Doctor Chakwas for a minute. I'll be back."

_"Appa... Appa has to go away for a awhile, okay Jin? You have to stay here, and be very quiet, okay? Appa will be back."_

Jin grips his hand tighter, eyes widening. "No, stay. I- I don't want to be alone."

_"Appa! Appa, where's eomma? Don't go."_

Kaidan gently pulls his hand away. "I'll be back. I'll only be a minute."

_"I'll be back, adeul. Be a good boy."_

Jin's heart races beneath his chest. Sweat trickles down his forehead as a pounding settles in behind his eyes. Kaidan can't leave. He can't be alone. No, no, please don't leave me alone.  _Don't go, appa, don't leave me behind!_

Kaidan's brow furrows quickly. He stares at Jin for a moment before nodding, sitting back down in the hard-backed hospital chair. "Alright, Jin, I'm here," he replies, slowly, tone full of caution.

Jin's heartbeat slows to regular as he tightly holds Kaidan's hand in his. "Sorry, Kaidan-ssi. I- I'm just scared," he whispers, closing his eyes. 

The hospital door swooshes open. Jin opens his eyes, pulse suddenly in his throat again. "No, you're not real," he breathes, eyes wide as he watches Doctor Chakwas walk toward him.

She raises an eyebrow, exchanging a glance with Kaidan. "I've been seeing you since you were a child, Jin. I'm fairly certain I'm real," she replies, tone brisk.

He shakes his head. "No, you were.... I... It was a dream..."

Chakwas frowns, looking down at her clipboard. "You've had a relapse, Jin. I won't lie to you, it was bad. We nearly lost you," she says.

_"We nearly lost you."_

"What?" Jin's hand starts to shake, mouth dry as he watches Chakwas staring down at her paperwork. "You've been having nightmares about your parents again, haven't you?"

_His mother's body is cold and hard. He tries to shake her, but her limbs are stiff and frozen in place. Dried blood lines her mouth, like lipstick that's been badly smeared. "Eomma? Eomma? Wake up, please. Wake up," Jin whispers, tears and snot rolling down his face. "Please."_

"I - I don't know what you're talking about," Jin replies, gripping his blanket until his knuckles turn white. "I told you, I can't remember that night."

Chakwas and Kaidan exchange another look, worry passing between the two clearly. "Jin," Kaidan begins, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. "Please. I want to help you, but you've got to tell us the truth."

_"Shepard? Commander Shepard, can you hear me?"_

Jin frowns, head pulsing in pain. "Did you hear that?" he mumbles, pinching the bridge of his nose.

_"Commander, stay with me. We're almost back to the Normandy."_

Kaidan's face begins to fade from view, the edges of his vision growing darker and darker as he slips into unconsciousness. 

"It's alright, Commander. Stay with us, we're almost there."


	4. Chapter 4

"I sensed this ancestral memory- the cipher- when I melded with the Thorian. Our identities merged, our minds intertwined. Such knowledge cannot be taught, it simply exists." Shiala's voice is calm, despite her recent ordeal. 

Shepard nods, stroking his chin. "I need that knowledge to stop Saren," he replies.

Shiala frowns, purple skin glowing in the dull light. "There.... is a way. I can transfer the knowledge from my mind to yours, as I did with Saren." She pauses momentarily and Shepard exchanges a quick glance with Liara, who nods her agreement. "Try to relax, Commander. Slow, deep breaths. Let go of your physical shell. Reach out to grasp the threads that bind us, one to another."

Shiala moves closer, a small smile playing on the edges of her lips. She places a hand on the side of Shepard's head. "Every action sends ripples across the galaxy. Every idea must touch another mind to live. Each emotion must mark another's spirit."

A soft ringing echoes in Shepard's brain, like a tape recording that someone forgot to shut off after it's done. Shiala raises her other arm, carefully placing her finger's along his temple. 

"We are all connected. Every living being united in a single, glorious existence. Open yourself to universe, Commander. Embrace eternity," she says, eyes going pitch black.

_Arms reach for the sky, outstretched, bloodied. Strange alien creatures scream, mouths wide. Cold machines flash in his mind, close up images of random parts he can't make out. The aliens look like bugs, large, hovering, eyes glowing. "I know you feel this," it screams, laughing. A large, strange creature seems to sits inside a dark planet, hiding, waiting, just out of reach._

Dizziness threatens to overwhelm him as he stands there. "What... what am I seeing?" he mumbles.

Shiala's face starts to fade from view and Shepard shakes his head, reaching forward to grip her shoulders. "No, I can't... I have to... stay awake... ."

"Shepard? Commander, are you alright?"

Shepard turns to Kaidan, nodding his head. "I am, Lieutenant. Thank you." He takes a deep breath in through his nose, gagging on the smell of death. "Right, let's get back to the Normandy. Joker will be glad to see us."

"I have given you the cipher, just as it was given to Saren," Shiala says. "The ancestral memories of the Protheans are a part of you now.

Shepard wipes his brow, lips parting to speak but Liara interrupts his thoughts. "A knowledge bond can be very traumatic.  Are you alright, Commander Shepard?"

"I saw... something. It  **still** doesn't make any sense." He looks behind himself, rubbing the back of his neck. "Feels like someone's watching," he adds under his breath.

Shiala smiles. "You have been given a great gift: the experience of an entire people. It will take time for your mind to process this information."

Liara's frown is a stark contrast to the other asari's grin. "We should get you back to the ship where you can be monitored." 

"I am sorry you have suffered, but there was no other way."

_"You have suffered, Jin-ssi. You saw such terrible things. You poor kid."_

Shiala's voice drowns out the memories in his mind. He doesn't want to remember the deaths of his birth parents or the aftermath. The Shepard family taking him in, loving him as their own child, those are the only memories he wants to carry with him. Anything else, everything else, is too much. 

"You needed the cipher," Shiala continues, voice full of certainty. "In time, it will help you understand the vision from the beacon."

Shepard wavers on his feet, old memories screaming in his head.  _"In time, it will help you heal, Jin-ssi."_

"Commander? We should get you back," Kaidan says, grabbing his arm.

Shepard nods in agreement. "Right. Let's go," he replies. "You will be staying with the colonists?" he asks Shiala.

The asari nods, smiling wide. "Yes. Thank you, Commander. May fortune smile on you."

 

~*~*~

 

Liara's fingers are warm against his temples. "Embrace eternity," she commands, voice lulling him into a state of calm.

Images burn through his mind. People running, screaming. Monsters falling from the sky. They run by in a blur of bloodied images that make his heart race beneath his chest. 

"Commander? Are you alright?" Liara's voice is soft, concerned, as he opens his eyes. 

He nods, a slight smile curving his lips. "I'm fine, Liara. Thank you."

"That was... Incredible!" she exclaims, voice raised in excitement. "All this time. All my research. Yet I never dreamed... I'm sorry. The images were so vivid. I never imagined the experience would be so intense."

Liara's voice fades as dizziness overwhelms him again. He can see her lips moving, dark blue and full, but no sound emits from them. Her eyes glow black again, pupils growing until there's nothing but blackness. 

Shepard grips his head as pain explodes in his eyes. "No," he screams, voice breaking. "No, not again!"

Darkness swarms in his vision as he fights against it. He can see Kaidan's face, brows furrowed in concern.

"Commander?"

The darkness vanishes as quickly as it comes. Shepard breathes a sigh of relief. "I'm fine, Lt. The cipher shook me up a bit. We're done here. Dismissed."

Joker's voice comes through the comm system, static crackling. "I've sent of the Feros report, Commander. You want me to patch you through to the council?" 

"Patch 'em through, Joker," Shepard confirms, weariness slipping through his voice despite his best efforts.  


	5. Chapter 5

The liquor burns as it glides down Shepard's throat. He enjoys the sweet honeyed flavour as it passes over his tongue. The glass is cool to the touch, and heavy in his hand.

"Ah, now that's the good stuff," Chakwas says, licking her lips with a glint in her eye. "Now, I know you didn't just come here to drink. What's on your mind, Commander?"

Shepard hesitates a moment, pouring them both another glass. "You remember what I told you? About the strange dreams I've been having?"

Chakwas nods, taking the glass. She inhales, a small smile curving her lips as she sips the whiskey. "You mean the ones where you're married? And there's some war with an alien force?"

He nods, a sigh passing through his lips. "Yeah, that one."

"You lost your parents when you were very young, right Commander?"

Shepard rubs the back of his neck before downing the rest of his drink. "Yeah, I was seven," he mumbles, heart racing.

_Screams echo around as he covers his ears, hiding in a small cubbyhole. His father has been gone for days. He promised he'd be back. He promised._

"Do you remember how they died, Commander?" Chakwas asks, tone gentler than normal.

He shakes his head and then nods, frowning. "Yeah. Car accident. Drunk driver. No survivors. Dead on arrival."

_"Come with me, Jin-ssi. It's okay. You'll be okay. It's safe now."_

A strange voice echoes in Shepard's brain, whispering memories that don't feel real. Gunfire, loud and brutal, reverberates in his head. Chaos, everywhere. Blood fills the streets as bodies clutter around him. _Jin tries to walk, to follow the strange woman with red hair, but he trips over someone's arm. He falls, landing on a bed of corpses. His eyes widen as he looks down into his mother's face, a scream bubbling inside._  
  
Shepard quickly gets to his feet, pacing in a short line. "I don't know what's real anymore," he mutters, running his fingers through his hair. "What's happening to me, doc?"

Chakwas regards him carefully, setting her whiskey on the table. "It's a defense mechanism. Your mind, unable to cope with the loss of your parents, created this fantasy. Now, with the Prothean beacon in there, it's probably going to get worse."

"Great. So basically it's 'save the galaxy but don't go nuts'?" His sarcasm is thick, and even he winces at the sound. "Sorry, doc."

He bites his inner cheek a moment before continuing. "Don't you think it's weird, though, that even in this fantasy world I've created or whatever, my parents are still dead?"

She frowns for a moment, tapping her fingers on the metal table. "But in this other life, you're happy? You live a normal life?"

Shepard shrugs, the voices still whispering his brain, words he can't quite make out. "Yeah, I guess," he mumbles. He blushes as he remembers Kaidan. He can see them together, clearer than any of the other memories. He can still feel the way Kaidan kissed him, the way he smelled of clean aftershave and soap, the way his stubble felt under his fingertips. "Yeah, I guess I was happy."

"There you have it, then," Chakwas replies. "You created a place where there isn't any pressure, any stress. A blissful domestic situation."

The room seems to spin, colours blurring together. Laughter rings in his ears, loud and boisterous. _"Jin, here, I got you something."_

_"What is it, Kaidan-ssi?" Jin squirms a little in his chair, eagerly reaching for the small messily wrapped gift._

_Kaidan's laugh is warm in his ears as he hands over the package. "Open it and see, love," he replies._

"Commander?" Chakwas' face is suddenly in front of him, her brow furrowed in concern. "You should get some rest. We'll be arriving at Noveria tomorrow."

Shepard nods, eyes wild and frantic. "Right. Sleep."

"Here, take these when you wake up. They'll cure any hangover," she says, handing him a tiny prescription bottle.

His eyes roam across the label. Perphenazine. His vision blurs as he starts to fall, down down down. He doesn't even feel the ground when he hits it.


	6. Chapter 6

Jin's arm aches as he lifts it far above his head, rolling the dark red paint on the wall. He makes a "W" shape and then fills it in, repeating the motion over and over across the whole wall. Just like his adopted mom, Hannah, had taught him.

Kaidan slides in behind him, wrapping his arms around his middle. "Hey, you should take a break. I made dinner," he whispers in Jin's ear.

Jin grins in reply, leaning into his husband's embrace. "Mmmm, I can tell. You burned the garlic, again."

"Hey, I was distracted."

A laugh bursts from Jin as he turns to face Kaidan. "Distracted? By what?"

Kaidan's eyes darken as he wets his lips. "Well, you are painting shirtless, and I can see you from the kitchen. So, I wonder..."

A slow smile curves Jin's lips as he turns around, dropping the paint roller on the plastic coated floor. "Well, if the sight of me painting a wall turns you on, imagine what else I can do."

"The steak will get cold," Kaidan whispers, tilting his head up toward Jin's. "And the beer will get warm."

He shrugs, leaning down for a kiss. "We'll get more, Kaidan-ssi," he whispers, capturing his husband's lips in a kiss.

Jin tugs at Kaidan's shirt, pulling him toward their bedroom. They fall on the bed, a tangle of limbs, lips still locked in a kiss. Kaidan's hands roam across Jin's chest, playfully pinching his nipples.

He moans at the contact, tilting his head back as he feels himself hardening beneath his well-worn jeans. "Yes, Kaidan-ssi," he moans.

His husband nips at his chest, licking a wet trail all the way down to the top of pants. Jin shivers as Kaidan slowly begins unbuttoning his jeans, slowly parting the teeth of his zipper inch by tantalizing inch. 

_Lights flash across his vision and he screams, throwing up his arms. "Please don't hurt me!"_

Kaidan presses a soft kiss against Jin's silk boxers, and Jin feels his erection growing harder. "Kai... Kaidan-ssi?"

_Blurred images scatter through his mind. A soft voice whispers in his brain. "Shhh, it's okay. You're safe now."_

A scream shatters the illusion, long and loud and filled with horror. It takes Jin a moment to realize it's coming from him. His eyes dart around the room, wild with fear. He sees Kaidan sitting on the floor, hovering near the edge of the bed, brow furrowed tightly together.

"Jin?" he asks, voice laden with worry. 

Jin shakes his head. "I'm fine," he snaps, tone harsher than he meant it to be. "Let's... Let's go eat before the food grows cold." He gets to his feet, zipping up his jeans and heading for the door.

Kaidan stops him with a hand on his wrist, brown eyes filled with concern. "No. Talk to me. You can't keep this bottled up inside. If you don't tell me what's going on, how in the hell can I help you?"

He curls his lip, pulling away. "I don't need help," Jin replies with a growl.

Kaidan doesn't relent though, just holds on to his wrist in a firm grasp. "In sickness and health, until death do us part, remember? Talk to me," he repeats.

Jin sighs, sitting back on the bed. He puts his head in his hands, struggling to hold back the tears as his heart pounds out of control. "My parents. I keep seeing them," he whispers.

He feels the bed shift as Kaidan sits next to him, his presence warm and welcoming. Jin takes a deep breath, focusing on calming his heartbeat. "I keep seeing them, the day Earth was invaded."

_Jin continues to shake his mother, the stink of blood and shit clogging his nose. "Please, eomma," he cries._

_A hand is on his shoulder. He turns, looking into the eyes of a red-haired woman about his mom's age. "Eomma won't wake up," he says._

_"I'm so sorry," the woman replies, her Korean slow and halting._

_Jin starts to cry again, his wailing sobs echoing in the large room. "I want eomma!"_

Kaidan's arms are solid, strong, as they wrap around his shoulders. "I know that night still haunts you," he says, breath warm on Jin's cheek. "Should we talk to Chakwas?"

He shakes his head, clutching at Kaidan's arm like the last lifeline. "No, I'll be fine," he replies, and even he's not sure if he's lying or not.

A glowing red image forms in his mind, body the shape of some great, alien creature. It hovers in the air, there but not there. When it speaks, its voice rumbles like an ancient god, woken from a long slumber. "Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding."

Jin can feel his body floating high above himself, as if he's an outsider looking down. He can see Kaidan kneeling over his prone body. There are tears rolling down Kaidan's cheeks as he shakes Jin. "Jin, answer me! Wake up!"

The floating creature continues droning on, its voice growing louder as the scene in front of him begins to fade. "There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own, you cannot imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign."

_"We are your sovereigns, pathetic humans. Your primitive species will bow before us."_

Jin watches, still feeling as if he's floating from above, as Kaidan picks up the phone. "I need to speak to Doctor Chakwas."

"Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident. Your lives are measure in years and decades. You wither and die."

Shepard's heart is racing as he stares up at the Reaper before him.

"We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything."

Shepard turns his body, exchanging a horrified look with Liara. He turns back to the reaper, eyes narrowed. "There is an entire galaxy united and ready to face you."

_"Jin, you have to wake up now. Come back to us."_

A voice echoes in his ears and bends over, fingers tangling in his hair. When he straightens, he's staring in the face of Doctor Chakwas, her long grey hair tied into a neat bun. 

She smiles, patting his shoulder. "There he is. Good. Can you hear me, Jin?"

Jin nods, frowning. He looks around the crisp, white hospital room, confusion clawing at his mind. "Where am I?" he asks.

Chakwas sighs as she sits down. "You had another relapse, I'm afraid. You're back at the clinic."

Memories speed across his vision. "Kaidan-ssi," he whispers. "Where's Kaidan?"

"He... had to step out for a moment," Chakwas replies. "Now, tell me Jin, have your hallucinations grown worse?"

Jin shakes his head, eyes still darting around the room. "Don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine," he mutters, a pounding ache settling in just behind his eyes.

His palms are sweaty as he sits on the cold hospital bed. The dark blue gown they'd given him is thin and cold, and he shivers against the chill of the air conditioning. 

Chakwas' sigh brings his attention back to the doctor. She wears a gentle, neutral expression on her face. "Jin, I've been your doctor since they first found you after Invasion Day. I remember the fantasy you created as a child, to cope with your parent's deaths."

He remembers, too, how he had crafted himself as "Commander Shepard", rugged space hero and savoir of the galaxy. The more he pretended, the more real it had begun to feel until he stopped seeing the faces of the social workers he spoke with. It wasn't until Hannah and John Shepard had adopted him, bringing him into their home, that the hallucinations had begun to fade away.

His glances at Chakwas, hands trembling. "Why are they back?" he asks, voice small and scared.

She avoids his gaze as she stares down at her clipboard. "Sometimes, when the mind experiences a great loss, it will fall back to the only coping method it knows," she replies.

_Two officers dressed in formal blue stand in his doorway. His knees hit the ground before he realizes he's falling. Tears streak down his cheeks as his grilled cheese sandwich burns on the stove behind him. "Officer Kaidan Alenko died in the line of duty."_

Jin shakes his head slowly. "No, no, no," he whispers, repeating the words over and over in his head. "He was just here. He was with me. His hand... I was holding his hand when they wheeled me in here."

Chakwas' expression shifts to one of pity, sorrow filling her eyes. "When we lose someone we love," she begins, but Jin cuts her off.

He jumps to his feet, shaking his head so quickly, back and forth, that the muscles in his neck start to ache. "No, I want to see him. You said he stepped out, where is he? I want to see my husband!"

"Jin, I need you to calm down, alright? Focus on your breathing, remember?" Chakwas approaches him cautiously, a needle in hand.

"NO!" His scream is loud enough to bring in a few orderlies dressed in white, their faces pinched in apprehension as they grab his arms.

They wrestle him to ground as he kicks and screams. The prick of the needle piercing his skin makes him pause, the lights in the room flickering. A voice booms in his ears.

"Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken."

Shepard's head is pounding as he stares at the reaper, blood leaking from his nose. Tali's voice is raised, confusion clear in her tone, as she questions the machine. "Cycle? What cycle?"

"The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can fathom. Organic civilizations rise, evolve, advance. And at the apex of their glory, they are extinguished."

The voice is loud, jarring, as it drones on. "The Protheans were not the first. They did not create the Citadel. They did not forge the mass relays. They merely found them, the legacy of my kind."

Shepard scoffs, incredulous at the vanity the sentient machine possessed. "Why would you construct the mass relays, then leave them for someone else to find?"

There's almost a sense of satisfaction, pride, in Sovereign's voice as it answers. "Your civilization is based on the technology of the mass relays, _our_ technology. By using it, your society develops along the paths we desire."

Pain constricts around Shepard's heart, and he clutches at his chest. His breathing comes in shallow pants, and he struggles to concentrate on the reaper in front of him. "We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it."

Liara's eyes widen as she grip's Shepard's forearm. "They are _harvesting_ us! Letting us advance to the level they need, then wiping us out!"

Shepard glares at the glowing red image. "You're not even alive, not really," he replies with a sneer. "You're just a machine. And machines _can_ be broken." 

"Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over."

The red glowing reaper image flickers as the glass behind them shatters.

"Commander? We've got trouble." Joker's voice is clear as day over the comm system.

Shepard wipes the blood from his nose. "Lay it on me, Joker. I love bad news," he replies dryly. 

 

~*~*~

Liara's voice is full of soft anger. "It appears the geth have sent reinforcements."

Shepard looks up as a ship drops from the sky, his pulse stuck in his throat. He tries to swallow past the beating but can't. Kaidan. He left Kaidan behind. He has to get to him. He has to save him.

Kaidan's voice crackles over the comm. "Chief, we just spotted a troop ship inbound to your location."

Ashley's voice is frantic, loud, when she replies. "It's already here and it's bleeding geth all over the bomb site."

Shepard's heart stops in his chest as he raises his arm to press the respond key on his comm. "Can you hold them off?" He has to get to Kaidan. He can't leave him. He can't die. Anything but that. The whole galaxy could burn, so long as Kaidan survived.

"There's too many! I don't think we can hold them!" Ashley's voice is high-pitched, anxious, as gunfire echoes.

Liara's hand is on his shoulder. "We have to make sure the bomb goes off," she urges.

Kaidan's face flashes in his mind as Ashley continues. "I'm activating the nuke!"

"What are you doing, chief?" Shepard demands to know, voice lowered in anger.

Ashley's voice is calm as she replies. "Making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what." A second passes before she continues. "It's done, Commander. Go get the Lieutenant and get the hell out of here."

Kaidan's voice follows her's. "Belay that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams."

No, no, no. He can't. He can't leave Kaidan. If he leaves.... Kaidan will die. He can't leave. Kaidan can't be dead.

The seconds seem to tick by slowly as Shepard paces back and forth. The mission. The mission is important. He has to stop Saren.

But what's the point, without Kaidan? How can he go on, if Kaidan isn't by his side?

He glances at Liara, uncertainty flooding him entirely. He wants to ask what he should do, because he doesn't know how to choose between his duty and his heart.

He turns to the left, mind made up. There was only ever one answer, anyway. "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA Tower."

"Yes, Commander. I- I.... ."

"You know it was the right choice, LT."

"I'm sorry, Ash," Shepard replies, already running toward Kaidan's location.  _But I can't live without Kaidan._


End file.
